Potniki na vlaku tokijske podzemne železnice so bili potopljeni v svoje misli. Niso imeli razloga, da bi opazili Masašija, a bi se to lahko vsak hip spremenilo. Zgolj misli so prisilile šibkega 21-letnega študenta, da je počepnil pod svoj sedež in si z rokami pokril glavo, da bi se zaščitil. Njegovo srce je utripalo vse hitreje, kot bi hotelo eksplodirati. Masaši je poskušal ostati miren. Njegov obraz je oblival znoj. Če bi takrat umrl, bi bile oči vseh uprte vanj.

Danes je Masaši star 35 let. Kadar pogleda na svoje preteklo življenje, se mu zdi, da ga je že od otroštva spremljal hromeč trepet. Strah ga je bilo, da bo njegov oče jezno povzdignil svoj glas, da ga bodo močni fantje zbili na tla, da ga bo učitelj s členki udaril po glavi.

Nemogoče se je bilo ubraniti pred toliko ponižanji. Tako močno se je umaknil vase, da je kljub temu, da se je želel nehati skrivati, pogosto ugotovil, da tega ne zmore. Tistega dne na podzemni železnici se ni prvič zgodilo, da je njegovo telo nenadoma nerazložljivo ponorelo. “Moje življenje je bilo trdno na tleh, vendar sem vse pogosteje doživljal trepet in znojenje, čeprav manj strašljivo kot tistega dne na vlaku podzemne železnice. Ponoči je moje telo otrpnilo – lahko sem videl, lahko sem mislil, nisem pa se mogel premakniti.”

Kmalu zatem so mu diagnosticirali anksioznost (tesnobo), vendar so se napadi bolezni nadaljevali. Masaši si ni upal oditi od doma, o druženju s prijatelji pa sploh ni bilo govora. 

Ni pa bil Masaši edini, ki ni mogel povedati, kaj se dogaja z njim. Kot se spominja, je težak molk legel na celo njegovo družino.

Štiri leta po dogodku na podzemni železnici ga je bolezen popolnoma ohromila. Pustil je priložnostne zaposlitve, bival doma in bil nezmožen za delo. Nekega popoldneva, ko je sedel pred televizorjem in menjal TV kanale, je slišal nekaj, kar mu je privzdignilo ušesa. Govoril je psihiater za mladostnike, ki je bil specializiran za socialni umik. Kadar se Masaši spomni svoje takojšnje reakcije na specialistove besede, povzdigne svoj glas: “Čutil sem, da govori o meni, da opisuje mene!”

Izkušnja je spodbudila Masašija k ukrepanju. Nedolgo zatem je skupaj z očetom sedel v svetovalnici istega psihiatra. Nekaj let po prvem svetovanju je bil Masaši pripravljen sprejeti delovno mesto, primerno za ranljive zaposlene. Sedaj ima zaposlitev za poln delovni čas, pred kratkim je opravil tudi zadnje izpite na dodiplomskem študiju.

Celo z vlaki podzemne železnice se znova upa voziti.

Reclaiming his life

Masashi was 25 at the time and completely cowed by fear. It was a powerful tyrant that he would have to reclaim his life from. The psychiatrist set his new patient many demanding tasks so that he would succeed – and also involved the family. He asked Masashi’s father to sign a contract in which he promised not to yell at his son, and to listen to him without interrupting. Masashi’s father signed. Today Masashi says with a smile that, while his father certainly hasn’t always lived up to the contract’s terms, nothing is as it was before.

Some years after that first consultation, Masashi was ready to be eased into a workplace that accommodated vulnerable employees. In the beginning, he worked three hours a day. He also started taking psychology classes at correspondent university. In them, he’s been learning to understand not only himself, but also the people who it’s become his job to help – for Masashi was hired by an organization that assists people who have physical and mental disabilities. “My job is to support our clients in finding work. I can use my psychological knowledge to coach them in solving their problems.”

“My life has changed slowly,” he adds. Yet the changes have been substantial: now he can work full time and he has just taken the last exams for his degree. He’s even able to ride the metro again. 

That doesn’t mean that he’ll never feel vulnerable again. Masashi’s newly won resilience is tested frequently. He says that recently, for instance, his manager called him into his office. The manager’s booming voice often makes Masashi start. “What springs to mind is: What did I do wrong? But I try to follow the instructions on how to deal with my fears: I delay my response. I monitor myself. And I remind myself that as a last resort, I can ask my psychiatrist to intervene on my behalf.”

Just the thought of being under his psychiatrist’s protection was enough. The inner trembling that warns of approaching anxiety started to subside. His body told him that he was calm.

Then he walked into his manager’s office.